oxymoron67: (snoopy)
[personal profile] oxymoron67
This April, I was flying into Pittsburgh to attend a conference and to visit the family. While the sky was overcast throughout the flight, the rain actually held off until right when the plane was landing. By the time we got to the gate at the terminal, it was a downpour.

I wasn’t all that surprised. See, I have a superpower. When I travel, I bring bad weather with me. Call me Low Pressure Lad.

My friends spotted the pattern over twenty years ago. Every overnight trip I’d take, be it for work, family or vacation, involved bad weather.

And they’re right. Over the years, I’ve brought an ice storm into Indianapolis with me… the remnants of a tropical storm hit Atlanta the day I flew in for a family get-together… the first tornado to touch down in the city of Pittsburgh in over fifty years hit the night after I arrived in the city for a break from grad school.

The list goes on. I mean, the above examples are championship-level events, and I can’t manage weather that extreme all the time. Sometimes, it’s just drizzle or fog.

You’d think that this would be really useful: I could be called in to douse forest fires or end droughts, for example.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. I can’t control it: sometimes I produce ice storms; other times, just really uncomfortable humidity.

Before you ask, I’ve tried to get this power under control, but I just can’t figure out how. I mean, which muscle do you flex when you want it to rain? Is it different than the one for snow? What if I want some combo-pack of weather, like, say, fog and freezing rain? How many muscles does that require? I haven’t been able to figure it out.

Before you say, “Well, what if this power is psychic in nature?”, I’ve thought of that, too. Do you know how difficult it is to concentrate on CLOUDS? I’ll be sitting at some outdoor café looking at the sky thinking, “C’mon, get cloudier! More clouds! FOG!” and then some really hot guy walks by and I’ll be all, “Oooo… he has a nice ass” and I’ll have to start all over again.

Or I’ll be trying to influence the weather while I’m wearing my headphones, and my taste in music will betray me: “Bring the lightning! Bring the thunder! Make it rain!... It’s raining men! Hallelujah! It’s raining men! Amen!”

As you can imagine, that ruins the whole “weather-controlling” mood.

Even if I COULD manage to concentrate long enough, I have to wonder if I’m concentrating on the correct thing. I mean… do I concentrate on clouds? Temperature? Wind?

So, my powers are likely to remain uncontrolled for the foreseeable future.

Still, I have to wonder why I have this power. I mean, no one else in my family has a superpower. Trust me, I’d know: we’re talkers, all of us. We suck at keeping secrets.

Maybe it’s a queer thing. Maybe Mother Nature gives some of her queer children an extra gift to even things out, and possibly to take vengeance on the homophobic world.

If that’s the case, then Pat Robertson would be right to blame us queers for all the natural disasters that strike the U.S., though he is wrong about the underlying cause. It’s not God saying, “Hate the queers” so much as it is God saying, “Be careful or my queers will FUCK YOU UP!”

That would be cool.
_________________________________

This was in response to the prompt "No Capes." I worked with the delightful [livejournal.com profile] porn_this_way, whose similarly themed entry can be found here.

You can read them in whichever order you please. And... who knew? Queers with superpowers are more common than you'd think.

Date: 2013-07-30 06:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] adoptedwriter.livejournal.com
"Don't know why there's no sun up in the sky....Stormy weather....." LOL

AW

Date: 2013-07-30 06:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] michikatinski.livejournal.com
It’s not God saying, “Hate the queers” so much as it is God saying, “Be careful or my queers will FUCK YOU UP!”

Right?? :-D

You do humor rather well, I'd say. :-D

Date: 2013-08-04 04:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
Why, thank you!

Date: 2013-07-30 08:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kajel.livejournal.com
OMG Dying laughing. This was fabulous!

Date: 2013-08-04 05:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 2013-07-30 09:31 pm (UTC)
ext_224364: (Default)
From: [identity profile] x-disturbed-x.livejournal.com
I have yet to get this power. I guess it skipped this queer child.

Date: 2013-07-30 09:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] warriorsavant.livejournal.com
No capes? Sorry but gay superheroes must have capes. Check the manual.

Date: 2013-08-01 06:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] michikatinski.livejournal.com
He has a point.

I'm pretty sure sequins need to be involved, too. :-D

Date: 2013-08-01 06:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] michikatinski.livejournal.com
...but maybe that's just true of the Berkeley queer superheroes I know. :-D

Date: 2013-08-02 03:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lrig-rorrim.livejournal.com
Dude, porn_this_way makes up for the lack of sequins with ALL THE SPARKLE. Trust me on this. ;)

Date: 2013-08-02 03:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] michikatinski.livejournal.com
Hahahaha. I think you're right. :-D

Date: 2013-07-31 05:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kathrynrose.livejournal.com
This reminds me of the quote from the first episode of The Newsroom. “I'm a registered Republican, I only seem liberal because I believe that hurricanes are caused by high barometric pressure and not gay marriage.”

Also, any time you want to spend in north Louisiana in August would be appreciated. I'll even take an ice storm. :)

Date: 2013-08-01 04:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] roina-arwen.livejournal.com
Oddly, for the most part I seem to have the other superpower - Bringer of Good Weather. I blame my sunny disposition!

It might be fun to go on vacation together - we'd surely confuzzle Mother Nature, LOL.

Date: 2013-08-01 06:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] halfshellvenus.livejournal.com
Hahahaha! What an awesome story, and an awesome take on it too. Except for the part about where your vacations will always involve crummy weather, which doesn't sound so great. Never visit Iceland—you might not survive!

Date: 2013-08-01 07:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lapis-lazuli615.livejournal.com
LMAO! I have a weather superpower when I travel too. Usually it's just messed up weather at one end or the other, but twice this year it's been backwards weather at both ends. May 1st, I was in 70-80 degree weather in MI, while it snowed at home in KS. At the end of June it was 75-80 degree weather while I was in mid-MO and my friend in CO (also travelling) was dealing with 100's! lol

Date: 2013-08-01 08:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] padf00t.livejournal.com
this really made me laugh!

Date: 2013-08-01 08:32 am (UTC)

Date: 2013-08-01 01:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theun4givables.livejournal.com
If you figure out how to control that nice little superpower, lemme know. I have a similar one and it's none too great.

Date: 2013-08-01 02:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] heartlines.livejournal.com
"Be careful or my queers will fuck you up"
that made me laugh like nothing else :)

Date: 2013-08-01 02:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sweeny-todd.livejournal.com
hehe. I love the superhero name.

and I can think of places you would be very popular!

oh yeah - God knows what to do. “Be careful or my queers will FUCK YOU UP!” That totally sounds like has finger snaps too.,

Date: 2013-08-02 08:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] favoritebean.livejournal.com
Ahaha! I've had some misadventures involving weather patterns. Still, I refuse to give Robertson any benefit- he gives me the creeps.

Date: 2013-08-02 11:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cheshire23.livejournal.com
Low Pressure Lad is an awesome superhero name. :)

Date: 2013-08-02 01:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] porn-this-way.livejournal.com
And... who knew? Queers with superpowers are more common than you'd think.

DAMN RIGHT!

Thanks so much for being my partner this round. You were awesome to work with, and I wholeheartedly believe in both the theological and scientific metric of your "My queers will fuck you up!" theory of meteorology.

Date: 2013-08-04 04:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
Right back at you!

Date: 2013-08-02 03:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lrig-rorrim.livejournal.com
This was fantastic fun and I giggled a lot while reading it. :)

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