oxymoron67: (dino head)
[personal profile] oxymoron67
... this one for LJ Idol, the theme is "Mistakes"

Scene: In the galleries of the art of Oceania, at the Metropolitan Museum of Art

Me1: I thought these were totem poles, Polynesian style, but I was wrong. Turns out they're giant slit gongs.
Me2: Clearly, those carved heads are meant to be some fierce bird of prey, but they just look like really pissed-off ducks.
Me1: Yeah… Look! May/December gay couple playing grab ass over there.
Me2: Oh, we’ve done that, too. Let them have their fun.
Me1: That’s not really the issue. I wonder what they’re turned on by.
Me2: They’re by the canoes carved to look like crocodiles.
Me1: How does that work? “Oh, honey, you know what turns me on? Crocodiles.” I just don’t get it.
Me2: Maybe it’s a role-playing thing. “I’ll be the crocodile and you can be my own personal water buffalo.”
Me1: Really? That doesn’t feel romantic AT ALL to me. I mean, he’s essentially saying, “I love you so much, I think of you as cattle.” Wouldn’t that be a mood killer? At least if he chose an animal like, say, a narwhal, he might get points for quirkiness.
Me2: Narwhal? NARWHAL? That’s the counterexample you came up with?
Me1: … I…
Me2: We’re going to have a long, sad discussion about that someday.
Me1: Anyway… Just look at what they’re wearing.
Me2: Holy Mary, Mother of God. Did they come here straight from Wal-Mart?
Me1: The younger one… that’s… well, it was originally a shirt. Probably. The side seams are cut out and the front and back are cut in a deep vee shape. We can see nipples. And unnaturally hairless armpits. I’m guessing gay boy waxes.
Me2: I think that the choice to pair that… um… piece of fabric on his torso with short-short cut-off jeans was a bold one.
Me1: You have to give him credit for appearing in public wearing about fifteen square centimeters of clothing. It’s kind of an achievement.
Me2: Well, at least older gay is wearing a shirt.
Me1: Yes, but it’s unbuttoned to the navel, so I’m not sure that’s an improvement. It’s interesting to note that younger gay guy is waxed but older gay guy is still rather furry. You’d think that would be a both or neither sort of thing.
Me2: At least furry gay isn’t wearing big, gold chains.
Me1: Well, why would he? They would distract from the hideous spray tan he’s sporting.
Me2: Boy, they have dueling Godawful spray tans, don’t they?
Me1: Yup. Waxed guy went full on carrot-y orange but furry guy looks like he marinated in Tang.
Me2: And the tans stop at the neck. They look like someone took normal human heads and put them on bodies from “It Came from Planet Persimmon.”
Me1: Spray tanning is never a good idea.
Me2: Furry guy is also wearing bike shorts. You know when wearing bike shorts is appropriate? When you’re on a bike. Or working out. You know when they’re not appropriate? Just about everywhere else. Choose pants, furry dude.
Me1: I just… this is all wrong.
Me2: I wonder where they’re headed after this.
Me1: I’m guessing church. They’re clearly dressed for it.

Date: 2013-06-03 02:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] similiesslip.livejournal.com
This truly made me LOL. You would be fun to go to a museum with :)

Date: 2013-06-04 04:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com

Friends of mine have said that I'm fun to go to museums with.

Date: 2013-06-03 04:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] greyduck.livejournal.com
I'm totally using "It Came From Planet Persimmon" in conversation this summer, just so you know.

Date: 2013-06-04 04:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
Go for it!

Date: 2013-06-03 07:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-kosmos.livejournal.com
Too funny! And I heartily concur: pants are always a good idea in public.

Date: 2013-06-04 04:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com

Pants: they;re a good thing.

Date: 2013-06-04 05:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-kosmos.livejournal.com
This largely applies to women, but have you seen the "are you wearing pants" chart?
 photo AmIWearingPants_web.jpg

Date: 2013-06-05 02:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
This is great. I loled.

Date: 2013-06-06 04:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alycewilson.livejournal.com
Loved this!

Date: 2013-06-06 06:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] halfshellvenus.livejournal.com
That flowchart is epic!

Loved this entry, especially

At least if he chose an animal like, say, a narwhal, he might get points for quirkiness.
Me2: Narwhal? NARWHAL? That’s the counterexample you came up with?
Me1: … I…
Me2: We’re going to have a long, sad discussion about that someday.

and the Planet Persimmon and bike-shorts cracks. I wear bike shorts! For biking. Also lycra ones for running, but not as actual clothes or anything. Otherwise, they're ultra-short leggings. :O

Date: 2013-06-03 10:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] adoptedwriter.livejournal.com
This is hilarious! AW

Date: 2013-06-04 04:53 am (UTC)

Date: 2013-06-03 05:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] heartlines.livejournal.com
“It Came from Planet Persimmon.”
BWAHAHAAAAAA I just died of laughter :)
That's a fun internal conversation, I definitely have these too.
The guys sound very inappropriately dressed for a museum visit though D:

Date: 2013-06-04 04:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
Thank you.

I have conversations like this a lot. It;s nice to know I'm not the only one.

And, yes, they totally were.

Date: 2013-06-03 11:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] myrna-bird.livejournal.com
Very fun entry!

Date: 2013-06-04 05:06 pm (UTC)
ext_224364: (Default)
From: [identity profile] x-disturbed-x.livejournal.com
This seems like a conversation I would have, haha.

Date: 2013-06-05 11:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] whipchick.livejournal.com
I totally LOL'd. Love your closing line especially, but all of this is delightful in snark!

Date: 2013-06-07 04:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
Thank you.

I;ve noticed that, when I'm more serious, I don't fare so well, vote-wise.

So, lighter fare it is.

Date: 2013-06-06 04:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alycewilson.livejournal.com
Joel McHale comes on and says, "This has been Mrrrow with Brian Williams."

Date: 2013-06-07 04:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
Thanks! I'll take that as a high compliment.

Date: 2013-06-07 04:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alycewilson.livejournal.com
I was hoping you'd get that reference. :)

Date: 2013-06-06 07:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kandigurl.livejournal.com
Spray tanning is never a good idea.


Date: 2013-06-10 08:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] michikatinski.livejournal.com
If they could just insert a mic in these conversations, you 1 and you 2 would have an award-winning radio talk show.


oxymoron67: (Default)

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