oxymoron67: (Default)
[personal profile] oxymoron67
This will likely be friends-only in about a week.

I had just finished my first year of grad school and hid a little time before the summer session began. So, my boyfriend (a fellow grad student) and I decided to run off to the shore for a long weekend. Now, lying around on the beach isn’t really my thing but he wanted to go, and I figured I could read and relax.

The week before we left, we had rented From Here to Eternity. It was a great movie. We both loved it. We both wanted to recreate the beach love scene between Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr. It just looked like it was so romantic and so much fun.

So, we decided to go for it and went down to the beach that night.

As we headed down there, we got into a little bit of an argument over who would be on top. We decided to wrestle for it once we got the beach: whoever pinned the other got to top first, and if we still had energy, we’d switch places.

This turned out to be the least of our worries.

We got to the beach and decided to skinny dip before doing anything else. This was not a good move. It was early June and the water was not warm.

We ran out of the water, and even though we were cold, the wrestling match started. I guess we figured that the activity would warm us up. We really weren’t thinking clearly.

While we started on the beach blanket, we did not stay there for long.

This was when the real trouble began. Sand sticks to wet things. And it gets everywhere. You know how good wet sand feels when it you wriggle your toes in it?

Sand in your buttcrack is not a similar sensation at all. Nor is it a particularly pleasant sensation. Also, someone running his sand covered hands over your body? Not sexy. Sand-paper-y? Sure. Sexy? Not so much.

At this point, we were wet, a little chilly and covered in sand. The sand was ALL OVER our bodies, and it was not comfortable. This was not what Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr looked like. The movie had lied to us!

But, God damn it, we were DETERMINED to have our romantic beach sex... until one of us reached for the lube. During our wrestling match, we knocked over the bottle and the lube had spilled out onto the sand.

We looked at the empty bottle. I just started to laugh. This had been a fiasco from start to finish. We surrendered: no romantic movie inspired beach lovemaking that night.

Still, we were covered in sand. Neither of us wanted to put our clothes back on while covered in sand.

Unfortunately, we realized that the best way to get the sand off of us was to go back into the cold water, to rinse it off. After that, shivering, unhappy and frustrated, we got dressed and returned to the hotel.

Once we got back to our room, we took separate hot showers.

The next day, we had sex in the bathroom of nightclub. You know, like normal people do.

Date: 2013-05-27 11:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gfrancie.livejournal.com
Omg. I laughed so hard.

Date: 2013-05-27 11:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] firesign10.livejournal.com
That's a riot!! Oh god, I can only imagine the . . . discomfort!!! Ah, the lovely images movies feed us! The empty lube bottle may have spared you both from an even worse fate ;-)

I've never had sex in the bathroom of a nightclub. *sigh* *puts it on the list of missed opportunities*

Date: 2013-05-27 11:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alien-writings.livejournal.com
This was a fun read, even if didn't seem like a fun time. I loved the ending, too. :)

Date: 2013-05-28 08:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
It started off fun... the intent was there... but man, it went downhill quickly.

Date: 2013-05-27 11:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] michikatinski.livejournal.com
Oh holy Jesus. :-D

*I* coulda told you about the sand. ;)


Best nsfw story ever!!! :-D

Also, am suddenly tempted to share a very inappropriate story of my own that ended in a trip to the e.r... I ended up missing a highly anticipated speaker that night. Teehee.

Date: 2013-05-28 03:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
I warned you. Writing this was surprisingly difficult. It took several drafts to get here, and I still might want to tweak a few things if a) I ever write that book and b)decide to include this in it.

Date: 2013-05-28 04:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] michikatinski.livejournal.com
I hope you write that book, whether you decide to include this or not. You're a compelling writer, even when you're not writing about lube and sand and Burt Lancaster. ;) <3

Date: 2013-05-28 04:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
Also, I shared my embarrassing NSFW story. Go ahead and share yours.

Date: 2013-05-28 04:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] michikatinski.livejournal.com
Haha. PM forthcoming. ;)

Date: 2013-05-27 11:55 pm (UTC)
ext_224364: (Default)
From: [identity profile] x-disturbed-x.livejournal.com

It was the first thing that came to my mind. This was hilarious and yet another good reason why it's a bad idea to recreate things from movies. It never ends well.

Date: 2013-05-28 03:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
Hey, I learned my lesson. Recreating movie scenes is not on my agenda anymore.

Date: 2013-05-28 01:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] plantmom.livejournal.com
"You know, like normal people do".

*Dies laughing*

Date: 2013-05-28 02:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mothermelete.livejournal.com
This was awesome, and describes so perfectly why I HATE the beach :P

Date: 2013-05-29 01:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
I'm not a fan of the beach either. I sunburn way too quickly.

Date: 2013-05-28 03:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kajel.livejournal.com
Too funny! Determined, but probably pretty lucky you were thwarted.

Date: 2013-05-30 02:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
Oh, I think we were absolutely lucky to have been thwarted. But it is a good story and the only thing I could think of that worked with the prompt.

Date: 2013-05-28 04:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-kosmos.livejournal.com
That is too, too funny. I've heard that this experience is more the way it tends to turn out than the Kerr-Lancaster way. It's a pretty glam idea, though.

Date: 2013-05-30 02:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
I don;t know how it could turn out any other way. Unless maybe you sewed, like, ten beach blankets together or something.

Date: 2013-05-28 04:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shannon-elaine.livejournal.com
I have tried sex in the sand so this had me laughing until I cried. You explained it perfectly!

Date: 2013-05-28 02:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] geniusofevil.livejournal.com
As soon as I started reading I knew your nemesis would be sand. I read a romance once where the woman was trapped on a desert island and made sand dildos. I had to stop reading that book.

Date: 2013-05-28 03:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
Sand dildos? But... that... how... No. Just no.

Yes, walking away from that book was the right choice.

Date: 2013-05-29 05:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] geniusofevil.livejournal.com
The author tried to make it okay by describing the sand as incredibly soft and tiny, like powder but unless that sand is water soluble that does not change the facts!

I think I still have the book too, because every time I find it on the bookshelf I'm like, "Why do I have this piece of sh---oh, right. Sand dildos."

Date: 2013-05-30 02:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
I'd probably keep it on my bookshelf, too. I would never read it, but, sometimes, you need to remember where you've been.

Date: 2013-05-28 02:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com

Too funny... and too true. :)

Date: 2013-05-28 03:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fourzoas.livejournal.com
LOLarious! I imagine this is probably the REAL story of most beach lovemaking sessions!

Date: 2013-05-28 08:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
I totally agree. I have a hard time believing that anyone actually has the magnificent sex that we're all led to believe happens.

Date: 2013-05-28 04:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dawnstar.livejournal.com
*falls over* Oh, this was fabulous! Thank you for sharing this in such a humorous light. We have two choices when things like this happen, regret or humor. It looks like you have definitely chosen the latter, and chosen well. :)

Date: 2013-05-28 08:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
Oh, I was laughing about this within a day or two. My bf took a little longer.

It's been my experience that laughter takes the sting out of things.

Date: 2013-05-28 08:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dawnstar.livejournal.com
I'm not sure anything could take the sting out of *that* thing! ;)

Date: 2013-05-28 04:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lrig-rorrim.livejournal.com
*looks shifty* Why NO, no I do NOT have a similar story to this lurking in my past. Nor does that story involve a policeman with a very bright flashlight or a missing wallet.


Well done and well told!

Date: 2013-05-28 05:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
OMG THE POLICE! That would have made this whole experience worse.

And I;m not sure that there are many other things that would have.

Date: 2013-05-28 10:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] whipchick.livejournal.com
This was hilarious, and I LOVED that last line!

Date: 2013-05-30 02:13 pm (UTC)

Date: 2013-05-29 03:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] myrna-bird.livejournal.com
Best laugh today! Very good example, I cringed with having to go back into the cold water to get the sand off. But didn't that HOT shower feel good?!!Good job!

Date: 2013-05-30 02:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
Yes the hot shower felt good. VERY good. When I've told this story (which isn't often), I've been asked why we didn't shower together.

And I was confused. By then, I thought it was clear that we were in no mood.

Date: 2013-05-30 05:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] myrna-bird.livejournal.com
I took it like you meant it. By that time, the romantic mood had lifted!

Date: 2013-05-29 07:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kandigurl.livejournal.com
Hahaha, oh dear, sandy sex. I haven't tried it but you've just convinced me not to. ;)

Date: 2013-05-30 02:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
It's an lj idol entry and a public service announcement! It multitasks!


Date: 2013-05-29 07:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kathrynrose.livejournal.com

Movies always lie. Commercials too.

Love the last line.

Date: 2013-05-29 08:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sarcasmoqueen.livejournal.com
LOVED THIS! And now I know why I'll never try to act out this scene!

Date: 2013-05-30 01:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yuniebaby.livejournal.com
Lol. Oh my GOODNESS lol. I so very much loved this. The last line is amazing. ^_^

Date: 2013-05-30 03:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] halfshellvenus.livejournal.com
Hahaha! That movie DID lie. Even halfway into the surf, well... the ocean will rush that sandy water all up in your clothes and other business. And then it's all grit. Yick!

But at least you tried?


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